Archive for March 2010

Some fashion advice

March 7, 2010

I have some fashion advice for the older white gentleman I see occasionally on the bus, with his grey cornrows, swinger moustache, and thick glasses.

Sir, you have a look.  I appreciate that.  Not many people have one, and it is truly a wonderful thing.

But,

(seriously)

it’s not working.

(I’m sorry.)

You have chosen as your signature look a combination of elements that cannot exist peacefully in nature.  You are the fashion equivalent of a gene-spliced abomination, a screeching chimera of disjointed personal styles.  There is no place in this world for an older white man with cornrows, a swinger moustache, and thick glasses.

Let it go.

The truth will set you free.

Solutions to problems you never knew you had

March 3, 2010

I moved into a new apartment a few days ago.  There’s a blog post in me somewhere about change being kind of scary, or about the value of having a proper place to call home, or about the way we acquire tons of stuff without meaning to.  These are all interesting things, and I’ll get to them some day soon, once I’m not sleeping on a mattress on the floor in an otherwise empty apartment.

No, today I am writing about a simple kitchen appliance, that has somehow managed to completely blow my mind.

I was fortunate enough that the previous tenant left behind a fair number of things, many of which I can actually use.  Chief among these is a rather nice twin mattress, which allows me to sleep on a mattress on the floor instead of actually sleeping on the floor, and which is in such good shape that I can probably sell it as soon as I get a real bed.  I’m also beneficiary to a pile of kitchen items, including bowls, pots, and a remarkably thorough collection of wooden spoons.  Also on the counter when I first arrived was an item I just didn’t recognise.

It’s about the size and shape of a paper-towel stand, with a round wooden base supporting a thin, gently curving arch, hanging from which is a blunt metal hook.  When I saw it, I just stared; I had no idea what to do with the thing.  With its curved support and dangling hook, it almost looked a hanger for a lantern, but it was too small, and what idiot would put a lantern in a hanger made of wood?  When I flipped it over, I saw that it had a Wal-Mart label.  So, off to Wal-Mart’s website I went, and after browsing 500 kitchen items, I finally figured out what I was looking at.

Are you ready for this?

It’s a banana holder.

Yes, for people who prefer their small bunches of bananas to dangle from a hook instead of resting mundanely on a counter-top or in a bowl, there is a product for you.

This blows my mind.

I’d ask just what the hell I’m supposed to do with a banana holder, but, really, from the name it’s pretty self-evident.  That said, I am, in an apparent concession to my somewhat lower-class origins, perfectly willing to just leave fruit in a bowl until I eat it.

That’s okay, because I’ve got a better place for thing thing than my kitchen.  When anyone sees it and asks me what the strange little wooden hooked thingy beside my bed is, I’ll answer with complete honesty and a perfectly straight face: “It’s a banana holder.”